It took us a good six months to get back on our feet. I suffered
from postpartum depression. I’d hide away in my room for days at a time. My
youngest at the time, twelve, couldn’t understand why her mom wasn’t talking to
anyone. I couldn’t understand why our son died. Why us. Well, now I know why.
The statistics aren’t great for a full term pregnancy,
especially someone over 40. I can’t tell you if I ignored the statistics when
we started or if they weren’t emphasized enough. Either way, Connor was gone
and I was trying how to figure out my life.
Eventually we resumed as normal a life as we could. Surprisingly
our marriage survived. I wasn’t sure for a time. How could it? We were both
suffering separately.
In the fall of that year we took a few mini vacations, long
weekends. Anything to get away from the house. The only positive was we hadn’t
decorated his room. For some reason I wanted to wait until March, even though
he was due in April. Why? I’ve asked myself the question a million times. Maybe
in the back of my mind I knew.
The vacations were nice. One day at lunch looking over the
bay I said something to my husband that just about floored him. “We have 2
frozen eggs left, why don’t we see what happens.”
He agreed. He didn’t want to wonder what if the rest of his
life.
This was our fourth round of IVF. Nothing. It didn’t work. It
was probably another six months before I asked if he wanted to try one last
time. I was 42. I wasn’t naïve. My time was running out. It was now or never.
For anyone who hasn’t experienced IVF it isn’t easy. We did
it and it was successful. At first I thought I was carrying twins. We went for
the gusto and had 6 eggs transferred. My levels were high and they though it
was multiples. It wasn’t. The good news was it a strong pregnancy.
I was hooked up with the best high risk pregnancy doctors
and neo-natal team. Everyone was in our corner knowing what we went through.
The weekend of the fourth of July I went into premature
labor. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and they were able to stop the
labor. I was sent home with only 8 weeks to go. They felt certain I’d be okay
to work and live normal for the rest of the pregnancy.
On July 28th I went for a brief swim in my pool
to cool off. I only glided around the pool – nothing strenuous. It was seven
p.m. and I was sitting on the couch and the urge to go to the bathroom hit. I went
came back, sat down and felt like I wet myself. It happened and again.
I looked to the hubby and said I believe my water just
broke. No I had no clue what it felt like because it never happened before,
even though I had 3 kids.
Went to the hospital and sure enough I was 2 centimeters dilated.
They brought me up to the OR for a C-Section and at 10:29 our daughter was
born. She was 5 weeks early and only weighed 4lbs 10ozs. Tiny compared to my
full term babies. She was healthy and that’s all that mattered.
Today she’s a healthy happy child and we are so blessed to
have the gift of life. It took another 2 ½ years for me to get medicated and
stop the mood swings from all the IVF drugs and postpartum. Things were
different from when I was younger.
Now I’m normal again! As normal as I can be. J
