Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday, February 16, 2015

My IVF Journey - Connor is born

Things weren’t all chocolates and roses after Connor was born. They had to ventilate him. The doctor who performed the ventilation was fast and accurate. Everyone gave him kudos. He saved Connor at that time.

One hurdle was tackled.

He was so tiny. When I say he could fit in the palm of my hand I’m not kidding. He was hooked up to various machines. He had ports for having blood drawn and infused. The next issue to rise was he couldn’t pee. His sodium was extremely high and blocking him from voiding.

I’ll be honest – the first night I was frightened to see him. I was scared to death I’d go down and he’d die or they’d tell me bad news. So I stayed away. I made my husband go down and give me updates.

Early the next morning I couldn’t sleep wondering how he was and if he was okay. I found my courage and a need to see him. While Sean slept I snuck down to the NICU. I slipped in and the nurse smiled. Guilt raced through me. How could I not come see my son earlier? How could I leave him alone? He needed me and my love. I had to talk to him and let him know everything would be okay.

The first four days were a roller coaster of events. Things looked grim and then they looked okay. On the fifth night we were at the hospital holding him, reading and singing to him. When we put him back in the incubator he peed. When I say peed it shot up to the roof of his incubator and went all over. His nurse cheered, while Sean and I cried. It was a huge milestone.

Such a huge milestone his doctor came in and insisted I start pumping for he would need to have breast milk soon. She advised us we had a long road ahead of us, but that things were looking good. She told us to go home, get some sleep and come back in the morning with breast milk.

I did everything she suggested. It was the first night I slept since giving birth to Connor.

The next morning we walked in with a skip in our step. I couldn’t wait to hear about his output and if he gained any weight. I was greeted at the door by his day nurse. The look on her face wasn’t encouraging.

She told us Connor had taken a turn for the worse overnight. They were transfusing him to keep him alive. They suggested we call in any family we wanted to say good bye to him. So we did. We called our immediate families.

Everyone came in and held him for as long as they wanted. There wasn’t a time limited because they were keeping him pumped with fresh blood. By the end of the day Sean and I were exhausted – physically and mentally.

We sent everyone home.

We sat in Connor’s room, had him unhooked and held him, whispering our love for him until he took his last breath. He was gone on 1/9/2010 at 10:28 – a minute shy of his birth six days before.

I’ve watched one other person take their last breath – my grandmother. While it was painful, there’s nothing that compares to letting your child go. It’s been five years and my heart still aches for my little boy.

He’s always in my heart and thoughts.

I’ll continue another day. It’s too painful to continue today.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day

My IVF Journey will continue next week. My grown son has some health issues I'm tending to.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

My IVF Journey

Eight years ago I set out on a journey to have another baby. You see when I was married to my first husband (an abusive man) I had my tubes tied. I was twenty-eight at the time and had three children. I felt I was done having kids. Besides, I didn’t want to bring any more children into the abusive relationship. My two had already seen enough. The third child was a definite surprise, but a blessing in the end. She was one of the biggest reasons I left my ex.

Anyway, I married a wonderful man and he didn’t have any children of his own. I wanted to give him the one thing he felt he was missing – a child. We looked into many options. We considered reversing my tubal ligation, but ended up doing IVF.

Now for anyone who has never done IVF it’s not an easy process. There are a lot of medications – mainly shots. I’m not one for watching when they give me or my children a shot, so imagine when I had to do my own. Surprisingly I did good.

The doctor and I decided we would only do a 2 egg transfer because I’d never had issues getting pregnant so we didn’t want to increase the changes of multiples. The first round – I got pregnant and then miscarried at 9 weeks. The second time we did a frozen egg transfer and nothing.

On the third try – another fresh cycle I got pregnant. You couldn’t imagine my job when I had the ultrasound at 16 weeks and they told me we were having a boy. I had two girls and a boy and longed for another son. It was the eve of thanksgiving when we had the ultrasound. We were headed for NY to visit my family for the holiday. Halfway into our trip the doctor called and informed me that they saw something a little alarming on the ultrasound with the bowel structure. They did say it could be nothing but wanted to repeat the test after the holiday.

The next test showed the same thing. They said they’d ultrasound my once a month until the baby arrived to keep an eye on things.

On December 30th I went for my next ultrasound and life went into a downward spiral. After the test they told me the baby was in distress and would need to be delivered. They sent me to Women and Infants Hospital. More tests were done and at 10:29pm I gave birth to a 14oz baby boy.

The doctors warned me he wouldn’t cry and chances were high he wouldn’t survive delivery. In my heart of hearts I knew he would. I’m not sure why, but my motherly instincts told me he would – and he did.

That was the only the beginning.
More to come tomorrow...

Monday, February 9, 2015

Hard to Be a Flip Flop Girl

When you're buried under 3 feet of snow and another on the way. Time to seriously consider the move to Florida. In the meantime, I'd love to be here soon.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Congrats to the New England Patriots!

What a game!!!
This picture is property of the AP and a special thanks for a stunning victory pic.